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Be your own fairy healing parent

For about a year, I’ve been reading ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ by Lindsey C Gibson . This book has truly transform my outlook on my parents.  Recently, I was reading Chapter 5 which discussed how parents influence children to develop a role self.

This chapter reminded me of all the work I had to do in order to identify that  I was showing up as a version of myself that was completely fabricated for years. A version of myself that I created in order to survive the environment that I was in as a child. The older I grew, I noticed that who I was did not align with who I knew I could be.

Lindsey C. Gibson beautifully explained why It took me 23 years to identify that I was not being myself. Some people developed this coping mechanism in their childhood “because of their parents self preoccupation, these children are likely to fill that they’re true selves aren’t enough to engage their parents… Start believing that the only way to be noticed is to become something other than who they really are.” (Gibson, 2015, p. 83). I remember when I created my role self or at least when I became conscious that my true self would not survive in my environment. Around 1st grade, is when I became aware that I could not be opinionated, sensitive, empathetic, kind, or confident without a negative experience following shortly after. I quickly conformed and became who I need to be to survive. I spent so long in this survival mode, that I felt lost when I got to college. Here I am in an environment where I don’t have to be on defense all the time (or at least I didn’t feel like I had to defend myself from the same things. Nonetheless, I was tasked with navigating that chapter of my life as a black eighteen year old at a predominately white institution pursuing a career in law.)

In 2021, God revealed to me that it was time to let go of the people in my life because I was having a hard time showing up as the healed version of me. It felt impossible to set boundaries, speak up for myself without starting a war, etc. Changing my environment during that time drastically helped me give myself the permission to grow. The more I healed and grew, I noticed that I wasn’t changing but I was removing the mask. If anything it felt like I was finally coming home to my true self. I was accepting the fact that I feel thing’s deeply and needed to be around individuals that understand that. I started getting comfortable with who I am and I began attracting people that shared these sentiments as well. Setting boundaries became far more easier with people that knew the healed version of Tèanna.

While this all may sound like a beautiful story of self evolution, that’s not the totality of the picture. I spent many nights feeling emotionally lonely, overthinking if I should just conform as I always did to please others, I lost even more friends along the way and had to practice setting boundaries/standing on them in real time.

Last weekend as I did my version of a fairy updo (costume hairstyle), I tried to get in character. I loved Tinker-bell so much and always wanted to be her for Halloween. However, I knew my costume did not scream Tinker-bell.  I started thinking about how much I used to love the Fairly Odd Parents as a child and how I kinda looked like a fairy that I had seen in that show.

As a child, I always wanted a Fairly Odd Parent just like Timmy Turner. Y’all can laugh because it’s very much delusional.

I mean, who didn’t watch that show and wish they were Timmy Turner? For me, it was less about the vain idea of fairies giving me everything I wanted. I saw Timmy just as I saw myself. A child born to parents that were displeased with who they TRULY are and they receive praise/acknowledgment when they shifted roles into who their parents wanted them to be. So why not have a fairy that can grant your wish of having your emotional needs met in ways your parents aren’t capable of showing up for you?

Then it hit me, I GREW UP TO BE MY INNER CHILDS FAIRY GODPARENT. I’m out here reparenting myself and healing every emotional wound from my childhood with GODS help. I have spent majority of my 20s simultaneously learning how to processing my childhood trauma and navigating adulthood. I had to learn how to allow myself to fill and process my emotions. I had to learn how to identify when I am experiencing an emotional trigger. I am still learning how to navigate through my emotional triggers in a way that allows me to hold space for myself and practice healthy coping skills.

Being your own fairy healing parent is not easy, there is truly a big learning curve. However, pushing through the adversity over the last seven years have truly been rewarded. I’ve been able to reflect on how far I’ve truly come. I believe you can do it too!

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